Harry potter:the crap story that makes no sense
by Chropecious blade
Summary: Random stuff, if your a serious harry potter fan then don't read this
1. Chapter 1

Don't worry I love Harry potter but I'm kinda going to make fun of it.

Harry Potter WHOOPS!

Harry Potter: and the crap story that makes no sense.

Chapter one Privet drive gets nuked

Harry sits in Dumbledore office daydreaming about Cho Chang when suddenly a huge explosion shook the room.

"**BAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!" **privet drive was just blown up by a nuke,

but not any kind of nuke,(wait for it) a magic nuke (who would of thought it).

"Damn you Harry pothead (woops, harry potter). I'll get you next time Potter, well at least those damn Dursley's are dead", Voldemort cursed.

"Harry I have horrible, ahh heart attack I'm too old for this ahhhhhhhhhhh the pain, cough cough uragggghhhhheryurrrgassssss, news for you", Dumbledore started, " the Dursley's have been eradicated along with Privet drive I'm sorry(laughs to himself)."

Harry inwardly said, "FINALLY GOD DAMN, I THOUGHT THEY WOULD NEVER DIE."

Harry leaves the room pretending to be sad until he finds Ron and Hermione and rejoices.

"THEY'RE DEAD THEY'RE GUYS. THE DURSLEY'S ARE DEAD YIPEEEEEEEEEEEE"

"Harry are you on crack, now you have no home", Hermione told him.

Inward thoughts of Harry: maybe I can stay with you Hermione (raises eyebrows at the thought.

"You can stay here then Harry, because I'm kicking you out of my house", Ron smiled.

"Fine I'll just go cry in a corner and wait for us to become friends again", Harry sobs and runs away.

"Just great", Hermione runs after him.

"Oh Bloody Hell (with English accent)," Ron runs after Harry.

To be continued...


	2. The magic pipe

Harry Potter: and the crap story that (still) makes no sense

Chapter two: the magic pipe

"Boohoo cry sob uhhh I miss my friends", Harry cried under the whomping willow.

"Harry!" Hermione and Ron yelled to him at the top of their lungs.

"What!"

"Get away from that tree!"

"Why should I listen to you guys?"

"Because that's the whomping willow", they yelled as the tree came to life.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH", Harry squeals as the willow's huge branches swung him all the way into the back of Severus Snape's classroom.

Snape was talking to a mysterious hooded man who had a raspy voice.

"Yes, I will deal with Potter lord RONALD McDONALD of the hamburger and fry."

"Good but make sure you Mckill him so I can Mcrule this place", the hooded Ronald McDonald man said then walked out of the room, his big shoes squeaking every step he took.

Snape walked over to his desk and pulled out a pipe that was filled with something; he lit it then inhaled and was thrown into happy town.

"Whoooooo weeeee I'm flying yeah hurray I can do anything I want here weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee", Snape yelled psychopathically.

Harry saw this as his time to leave but as he passed Snape's desk he decided to inspect this pipe. He picked up a large vase and banged it on Snape's head till he was unconscious and took the pipe, hid it in his pocket and ran out of the room to find his only real friends: himself and well Hedwig.

AUTHOR AND FRIEND: Friend: Why in the world is Harry such a loser?

Author: I don't know maybe you should ask J.K. ROWLING.

She comes into the conversation: I did it because I wanted it to reflect me as much as possible other than the fact that he's a boy and I'm a grown woman with the imagination of a seven year old psychopath but with the ability to put it all together to make the Potter books.

Friend: And the fact that you have huge BOOSOMS! DAMN!

Author: Stop being rude, English people don't like to be rude or rude people, they're refined and fancy.

Friend: Come on she lived in a car for like forever until she wrote the Potter books!

ROWLING: Well it was a comfy car, still is, I occasionally still sleep in it. Oh have you ever been to Hawaii I'd love for someone to take me. Oh I'd love somebody to love me, boo hoo boo hoo. (Sobbing ceases) Would one of you love me...? (She looks around, no one in sight) Hey where'd they go?

BACK TO THE STORY: Harry sits in his bed and inhales the potion in the pipe, he to is thrown into a happy town. Ron, Hermione, Nevels, Snape, Voldemort, Dumbledore, Cho Chang, and Ronald McDonald are all there dancing and flying and laughing.

"What the heck is going on... hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah weeeeeeeeeeeee, I understand the meaning of life now yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh. Eat that Scotland Yard woooo weeeeee!"

"Harry, Harry, Harry come on snap out of it", Hermione smacked him in the face and the pipe fell to the floor.

Ron picked it up, put it in his mouth, inhaled and in seconds was on the floor rejoicing to Lord Voldemort and eggs.

"Oh no not you too, well if you can't beat 'em join 'em", Hermione grabs the pipe and inhales and a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee she goes.

"Oh Bloody Hell (English accent)", Ron laughed as he flew through the imaginary sky.

To be continued...


	3. AVADA KADABRA

Harry Potter and the crap story that really still doesn't make sense

Chapter three **"AVADA KADABRA"**

Three days after the magic pipe incident: "Da da da da da", Harry hummed to himself as he walked down a random hall in the huge castle.

"Freeze Potter", Snape jumped out of a janitor's closet and held out his wand at Harry's face.

"What do you want Snape?"

"I want the pipe back"

"WHY, I LIKE IT AND I WANT TO KEEP IT", Harry yelled.

"No it's mine and I want it back", Snape whacked Harry over the head with his wand.

"Espelliamos", Harry shot a beam of magic at Snape who ducked and shot a beam out of his wand.

"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH", Harry yelled as he fell to the ground.

"I'll teach you a lesson you'll never forget", Snape kicked Harry in the stomach and he fell unconscious.

Harry then woke up in a white room and on both walls was a sign of a yellow M.

"Hello Potter I'm RONALD Mc DONALD and I'm going to Mckill you", Ronald woke Harry up.

"What, where am I."

"McDonalds, an American fast food restaurant", Snape said as he inhaled the potion of the pipe and went back to happy town.

"I challenge you, Harry Potter to a duel", Ronald said.

"Okay lets go", Harry pulled out a card from a duel disk that suddenly appeared, "YU-GI-OH!"

"Oh sorry I meant Magic Dueling"

"Oh sorry (awkward moment) Espelliamos", Harry attacked.

"**AVADA KADABRA",** Ronald shot a green beam of stuff at Harry.

"BAMMMMMMMMMMM!" the two beams collided.

AUTOR AND FRIEND: Friend: Yo dog why'd you make Avada Kadabra so big

Author: I don't know maybe you should ask the psycho lady J.K. ROWLING.

She reentered the conversation: Well I wanted to really emphasize the power of that spell

Friend: Yeah I understand perfectly (stares at Bosoms).

Author: Hey stop it right now or else.

Friend: Or what (continues to stare)?

Author: Fine you asked for it, **AVADA KADABRA!**

Friend: Oh crap (friend ducks)

J.K.: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhuhhhhhhh (green killing beam of death hits and kills her).

Author: Oh God! I killed J.K. ROWLING before she could finish the last book

Friend: Well your in trouble already, look outside.

Author looks outside window to see millions of Harry Potter fans waiting to get J.K. Rowling's autograph.

Author; I guess there is nothing else to do but finish the story.

Well somehow Harry shot the attack back and killed RONALD McDONALD and Snape broke out of the imperious spell and took Harry back to Hogwarts while smoking the pipe.

To be continued... tune in next time for chapter four, Thanksgiving with Snape.


	4. Thanksgiving with Snape

**HARRY POTTER **and the crap story that doesn't make sense

Chapter four Thanksgiving with Snape

Two weeks after Ronald McDonald died:

Everyone at Hogwarts was smiling and gay (especially Nevels) because today was Thanksgiving.

"Harry, have you got a date for the Thanksgiving day ball", Hermione asked.

"No I have to eat Thanksgiving day feast with Snape while the balls going on", Harry answered.

"Well I don't have plans", Ron said.

"Good for you!"

"But… don't you want to go with…"

"With you ha ha ha ha ha ha I think you still got some of that pipes potion in you", Hermione laughed then walked away.

"Well I guess I'm going to eat with you Harry"

"Okay Ron"

LATER THAT DAY:

"Sit down!" Snape ordered them to sit in two chairs across from them.

"Yes sir", they sat down.

Ron farted as he sat down.

"Who farted?" Snape pulled out his wand, "And without saying excuse me!"

"Um excuse me", Ron said.

Snape whacked Ron over the head.

"To the food", Snape pulled out an entire regular American Thanksgiving feast.

"This is American, shouldn't it be English or something like Pollywigs or Nifflebiffs", Ron said.

Now Harry and Snape both whacked him over the head.

"OW BLOODY HELL (English accent)!"

"Eat now", Snape gave them their plates and they ate.

"Smack, chew, smack, chew, smack, chew, smack, chew, smack", Harry and Ron chugged down their food.

"NO SMACKING!" Snape blasted them with a paralysis spell.

"UGGHHHHHAHHHUUGGHHHH", Harry and Ron wheezed.

TEN MINUTES LATER: "UGGHHHHHAHHHUUGGHHHH", Harry and Ron both wheezed.

Twenty-five minutes later: "Hey I can move again", Harry rejoiced.

"Me too", Ron shouted.

"Good now you can eat the rest of your food, I'm going to the ball to see if I can't stir some mischief", Snape left and Harry and Ron ate the rest of their food.

LATER ON: "BAM!" A huge firecracker went off in Albus's robe.

"Damn you Snape you sneaky bastard," Albus yelled.

"Heheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheehehehehehehehehehhheheehehehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehehe", Snape laughed.

AUTHOR AND FRIEND: Friend: "Hey why is Snape such a prankster?"

Author: "I don't know maybe you should ask J.K. ROWLING... oh I forgot that I killed her (sobs violently)."

Angry Fans: "WE WANT ROWLING WE WANT ROWLING," Repeats several times.

Friend: "They're starting to break down the door"

Author: "Oh really I didn't notice, come on lets get out of here", grabs laptop and jets out the back door with friend.

LATER ON AT STARBUCKS COFFEE:

Author: "Are we safe now?"

Friend: "Yeah you can go back to the story."

Author: "Okay."

BACK TO THE STORY:

Hermione sat all by her lonesome at the ball when Harry and Ron came into the ballroom.

"RON! HARRY YOU CAME!"

"Yeah but I have indigestion so I can't dance with you", Harry told her as he sat down rubbing his stomach.

"I guess there's no one to dance with"

"What about me?"

"Oh go bugger off Ron", Hermione pushed him into a table.

"OH BLOODY HELL (English accent)!"


	5. Prisoer of Azisanabanneraogisonergate

Harry Potter and the crap story that saddly still makes no sense

Chapter 5: Prisoner of Azisanabanneraogisonergate

Harry awoke to the _Sound of Music_ coming from the dinning hall, he threw on his clothes and ran to the dinning hall. He entered the dinning hall and saw Dobby and his old friend Golum playing instruments like the yiggalbiff and strasumagaphone.

AUTHOR AND FRIEND:

Friend: Why the hell are they using Dr.Seus Instruments!

Author: Because they can!

Friend: Are you mad at me?

Author: No, I just really want them to hurry up on my Carmel mocha frappachinnolatae!

The current workers at starbucks were all 80 years and older.

Back to the Story:

"Dobby what are you doing?"

"Why I'm making music Harry! This is Golum, say hi Golum!"

Harry waited for Dobby's friend to say something, after a long moment of silence Harry approached him. Golum attacked Harry shouting, "My precious, my precious!"

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Dobby help!"

"I don't know what to do...sometimes he gets like that, and then he beats me...uggghhhhh I hate when he hits me(sobs, sobs)."

Hermione entered the room then shouted EXPECTO POTRONUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Golum jumped away from the light then returned to the Lord Of The Rings.

"Thanks Hermione!"

"No problem Harry, but there is a problem, Sirius Black has escaped from Azisanabanneraogisonergate!"

"Oh no, hey lets skip some important parts from the book and just skip to me being immature, He was their friend, I hope he finds me cus when he does I'll be ready, I'm gonna KILL HIM!"

Little did Harry no, Sirius was really his uncle who could turn into a random dog.

Later on:

Dumbledore called Harry, Ron, and Hermione to his room.

"There is something important that I need to tell you all...I have Alzheimers, yes I know it's awful but on a more serious note, Sirius Black has broken out of Azisanabanneraogisonergate and has stolen my medicine, please be careful children and don't go on some daring quest like you always do!"

The three of them randomly ended up being chased by a were wolf teacher and later find out that Sirius is Harry's Uncle and they almost die but are saved by Harry in the future, wait a tik that makes no sense, oh god here comes some strange side quest storyline about some bird thing named Fuckbeak I mean Buckbeak...is he dead, no cus they go back in time and save it, but does it really matter cus it never comes back...oh god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Oh Bloody Hell!" Ron said after reading the rest of the movie.

"Oh Bloody Hell is right Ron, yes it is!" Harry said as he broke Sirius out of Azisanabanneraogisonergate.

...s yeah I was just bored and wanted to update the fanfic...I know it was bad...


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